Friday, August 17, 2012

Sometimes life really sucks

This year has been a really pain in the behind! Between constant worrying about my job...if I'm going to have one, if I'm going to survive the next cut, if I'm going to be pushed backwards it goes on and on...but I will persevere because I am strong and if they can't see the potential in me, someone else will.

Anyway that is not really why I came on to post tonight, what is going on at work is trivial compared to what my children will be going through in the next months....particularly my son...
He found out today that his father my ex- husband has terminal cancer. Even though we have been divorced almost as long as we were married, he is still the father of my children and I care....
My son and daughter are grown, but to know that your children are hurting so deeply and that the struggles my ex will have in the coming months just breaks my heart....

All I know how to do was to write my feelings and frustrations out...I can't talk about this to my husband, I don't think he would understand. It's not about me still having feelings for my ex, I do but not in the way he would understand. He is the father of my children, at one time we loved each other. Now I still love him but not in the way I used to, now it is respect for him changing his life, being a good dad and loving his children.

Cancer is horrible, I have seen too many of my beloved family die of it and suffer from it that it breaks my heart. I know there are others who know what I'm saying and feel the same pain  and have also gone through this terrible disease. What it does to not only the person who has the cancer, but the loved ones who are left behind with the pictures in their minds of the wasted shell of their dearest loved one.

My son is very close to his dad, and by his side when he went through his first bought of throat cancer due to agent orange. But because his dad lives 5 hrs away and my son just got back to work, he hasn't been able to make but one trip to see him in a yr. I know this is bothering him and I know he struggles with guilt...but I also know his dad will and does understand.

I hope my son decides to go spend what time his dad has left on this earth, to bring him final joy of just being together.  He can get another job, but you can't get back time spent with your parent....

I will pray that god shows him mercy and that he does not suffer...he is a good man that lost his way and in the end found his way back...

I know this may seem rambling to you, but I needed to get this out...

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